Special Needs: You're Just a Bad Parent

If you're the parent of a Special Needs kiddo, chances are you've heard that phrase or a variation of it before. Special needs like Autism, ADD, ADHD, Dyspraxia, RAD, etc are just a scam on the government, a cry for attention, lack of discipline, so on, blah blah. Someone is always trying to cure these conditions with special diets, meditation, prayer, fasts, military school or telling parents "just whoop their ass." And what should these people be told back? Tell them to shut it. Shut. Your. Ever lovin'. Pie hole. I have both treated children like this and am also a parent of a special needs child. And the last thing needed by families dealing with these issues is an arm chair psychiatrist with an answer for everything. They need support, safe and structured environments for their children, proper treatment and for you to be quiet if you have nothing nice to say. Notice I did not say helpful. Unless you are a doctor or work in behaviour management, you can't really give helpful advice. So don't try.

Twice this week I have read about friends dealing with Know It All Nelly's trying to "fix" or "help", usually by being as insulting or abusive as possible. Do not stand in another person's home and declare their child is in no way special needs and it's just a way to get free preschool just because that child has dared to show improvement. Do not take it upon yourself to confront a special needs child, accuse them of faking it (at the age of 4) and pretty much threaten them. You are just begging for trouble. No one cares what you do or don't believe as far as the truth of special needs disorders. Thankfully, these are not your children. What you would or wouldn't do doesn't matter (unless you touch a child, then God help you.) I tried for years to be polite about stuff like this, tried to educate and such. I'm done now. When people start with "You know what you should do is..." I cut them off at the knees unless they have a special needs child. If they continue, either I leave or tell them to. I do not have the patience for the dumb anymore. Unless you have walked in the shoes of a special needs parent for a million miles, you have no place to put forth. Dealing with your own offspring should keep you plenty busy. And if you don't have a child at all...you need a hobby. You have not shed our tears, stayed up endless nights worrying, fought with and for your child, held them, loved them or had your heart break for them. I am not a bad parent, I am a tired one. I am a stressed parent. I am a hurt parent. I am also a blessed parent. My child, and other special needs children, are unique beautiful souls that God blessed this planet with. They teach us just as we teach them. The only thing I would change about my child is the heartache he has to go through because of people who have the overwhelming need to be jerks. They are a special all their own. And I'm not sure there is a treatment or cure for them.

Been A Hot Minute....

It's been a while since my last blog post. A good long while. Life has a nasty habit of getting in the way like that. Since last time, we've moved cross country twice, experienced a few losses, had both really good and really bad news and had life pull a 180 in general. And yes, even a new blog name! It seemed a little more fitting considering how my life goes right now. And that the theme in general is about to change. Before this was a spot of your everyday blah blah, but my everyday has changed quite a bit. Instead of "hey, let's try this recipe!" it's become more of "how sick am I today?" OMG, my child is a freshman!!" and "did you here that???" (explanation to come on that one.)

The last 2 years have been a mess of medical smackdowns. I finally had the lower back surgery, though it didn't help much. We made a final decision on trying again for a baby naturally, and after 6 miscarriages have decided it's probably not in the cards for us. As hard as that was to finally deal with, there is a certain amount of peace that comes along with the grief and disappointment. And finally, in the last few months, a shock we weren't expecting. I was diagnosed this last December right before my 36th birthday, with not one but two autoimmune diseases. I am now The Great and Mighty RA/Lupie Girl! Rheumatoid Arthritis and Lupus (the gift that keeps on giving and you just can;t return for store credit) is a part of my everyday now. They kind of rule what's getting done on any given day, no matter how much I don't want them too. On a good day, I don't hurt too badly, can stay awake, get most of my responsibilities done and maybe even do someting I enjoy. Bad days....well, those are kinda scary. And now I have had the joys of methotrexate, a cancer chemo drug given in smaller doses, added to my life. It's a journey we'll explore in the weeks and months to come.

Matthew, my miraclekid, will be 16 this year. He's a freshman and becoming quite a young gentleman. We are leaving behind the little boy years and entering the first stages leading to young adulthood. He gave his first Valentine this year. Dating will start soon. Maybe even driving. It's a whole new ball game, folks.

And to top it off, I'm part of a paranormal investigation group now. Yep, one of those. We are history buffs, all on our own spiritual journeys, trying to help people in the best ways we can....and live in Southern AZ. It was one of those cases of everything coming together at the right time. So far I've learned a lot and feel closer to God than I have in a long time. I feel like He's about to reveal whatever plan He's had for me for so long. I'll talk about this more too. I want to emphasize, we aren't just looking for spooky places and cheap thrills, we are looking to help people in situations where they are lost and don't know where to turn. Our faiths are leading us to help them. Our members have questions of our own, but also want to serve those who reach out to us. I think it can be a kind of ministry with private clients. I don't speak for everyone in our group of course, but even with differing beliefs, we are showing we can still be on the same page when it comes to trying to help.

And, as always, the Army is still a background to the rest of the daily chaos going on. I'm in a fairly ok truce with the military itself, not so much with a lot of the military community. It's a special place at times. Very, infuriatingly special. And I'm too old and tired to keep quiet about it most of the time these days. There will probably be more than a few instances of putting forth ( a nicer way to say ranting).

So, if you've been nice enough to stay with me up to this point, there ya go. Thanks to Kristie for nudging me to start blogging again. It probably is a good idea. It might even help or entertain somebody, even if it's just her. I hope everyone else will keep me company along this stage of life, too. It should be an interesting ride.

Ch-Ch-Changes

Yes, it's been awhile. Like a lot of busy moms, I get behind. Sometimes I get completely lost. Thankfully I bumble my way back. The last couple months have been filled with teenage son issues, husbands away with the Army for field problems. getting my RMA (yay!), almost getting a job but not (boo!), and preparing for an upcoming move to Georgia in a few months. Now the school year and our second anniversary are coming up. Is it a wonder I'm back on Ambien? :D

The past few months have got me thinking about extended family. Parents, siblings, so on. I've been blessed with my husband's family. They are awesome and love my kiddo to bits, so they've won my heart. But I've started missing having one of my own. I have a great big brother, but he is a tow boater and has an incredible, busy life of his own. Other than that it's kind of sparse. I am grateful that I have been able to have friends that I consider my family. They have given me huge amounts of love and strength. I wouldn't be where I'm at today without some of them. But there's still a little part of me that misses not being able to call my mom and get her advice or having a dad who's always there. That part envies people who do have that.

I'm not sure where these feelings will lead. For years I haven't been bothered too much by them. But I'm thinking about a lot of things I haven't thought about for years. Maybe this is the reason God is giving me this time at home, to examine and find some closure. The older I get, the more closure becomes more important. Things are changing in me. I'm getting older, maturing. What new adventures and discoveries are to come?

Lucky 13

On Mother's Day, my little boy turned 13. The little premature bundle that almost didn't survive now looks like he's preparing to become a Dallas Cowboys linebacker. He's overcome a lot in his short life. He struggled through sickness his first year. Dealt with dyspraxia (underdeveloped frontal lobe) which took 10 years to get a diagnosis for. Rejection, the divorce of his parents, separation from his sister. Through all this and more, he has emerged as a wonderful, loving, creative young man. He's overcoming the dyspraxia as his frontal lobe finally catches up to the rest of him. He has a new extended family that loves him dearly. He's found a love and knack for art and story writing. And has a smile that lights up a room. An all around great kid.

I've grown with him the past 13 years. When I became pregnant, I was a frightened 19 year old. I had no confidence or people skills after years of basicly living in a car, travelling state to state with a father who kept my little brother and I isolated from most other people. I married someone I had known as a child and became an instant wife and mother to a 2 year old girl. Soon after I had my little boy. It was a lot of change fast. I worked, learned to deal with and handle people in any situation. I earned my GED while working full time. I went through the loss of 2 more children. Eventually I divorced and became a single working mom taking care of Matthew. I remarried and we started from scratch. I lost 4 more kiddos in a short period of time. I earned a MA certification while taking care of the kiddo with my husband gone with the Army most of the time. It has been hard, but there has been many moments of joy. I have been lucky to grow up with the greatest kid in the world (yeah, I'm biased :D). I don't think I would change most of it. We've learned a lot and I think we're better for it. Sometimes 13 isn't such a bad luck number.

Celebrating Mother's Day...Twice

This Mother's Day will be very special for me. On that day, 13 years ago, my little boy Matthew was born. Every few years his birthday and Mother's Day fall together. For me, there is no greater gift I could possibly be given. He is sweet, kind, funny. And even though he was a month early, he is growing into a big and strong young man with a beautiful heart and soul. Every time I see him, every time he smiles his little crooked smile at me, then rests his head on my shoulder and says "I love you, momma", I know how blessed I am.

A friend of mine pointed out this morning that May first is another Mother's Day. It will be Baby Lost Mother's Day, for those mommies that have miscarried or lost a child soon after birth. This past January, my husband and I suffered another miscarriage. It was my 6th. My new doctor did genetic testing on us both and found out I have chromosomal translocation. My chromosomes are misordered and causes major defects in the fetus, trigering miscarriages, stillborns and major birth defects. In very rare instances, a normal healthy child like Matthew is born, making him truly my miracle child. We have options as I can carry a fetus as long as it's not my egg, but nothing will replace the 6 I lost or the pain it caused.

So this year I will celebrate twice. For the baby I have held on one day, and the 6 I have yet to hold on another. One day I will get to meet them. They aren't gone, they are just waiting. My heart and soul tell me so. Until then I will carry them in my heart, and even though I mourn them, I have joy that one day we'll be united. This Sunday, if you know someone who has lost, hug them a little tighter, be a little kinder, encourage them to talk if they need to, or just be there with them if they need to share tears. And remember the little lights we just haven;t had shine on us yet.



My big kid, and the Great Alien Snowman!

 




The tattoo I have on my leg in memory of my lost little ones.

 

Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner

Well not necessarily chicken, but dinner is the topic. Many of my friends are mommies, very busy mommies like me. We are always trying to find ideas to feed our families something healthy and preferably easy. I am a cookbook, recipe testing freak of nature, so I'm going to try to post at least one new recipe a week to help give others ideas. I'll try to keep them quick, easy and as healthy as possible. I'll also try to mix them up for both meat eaters and veggie preferers. No, that's not a real word, but I like it.

Today lets talk beans. Beans are healthy, have fiber and protein, and are yummy when prepared correctly. They take a little bit of work, but not too much and are worth it. I like to make chili beans, which is different from chilli with beans. Being from Texas, to me that dish doesn't exist. Bigfoot has more credibility. Texas chilli has no beans. And that's another recipe, so off the soapbox, chick. Anyway, the night before you cook the beans, get a bag of dried pinto beans, about a pound or so. Sort the beans into a large glass or plastic bowl so you can remove any rocks, bad looking beans, tiny elves, etc. Cover the bans with water and set in the fridge overnight. The next morning, drain the beans and put them in your crockpot. Add a ham bone, ham hock, or even a smoked turkey wing if you can find them. Sometimes I leave them out and put in 93/7 ground beef that has been browned and seasoned with chili powder, cumin, garlic salt and pepper. I add the beef when beans are almost done. You can also omit meat altogether. After the beans, meat/no meat, add 1 medium chopped onion, a 1/2 tsp garlic powder, 1/2 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp black pepper. Seasoning is to taste, and at end of cooking you should taste and add according to your own preference. Cover with enough cold water to cover, place on lid and set to low. Time varies accoring to crockpot, but usually around 6 or so hours. Once done, serve with rice, cornbread, alone and with favorite condiments.

This recipe can be adjusted to however you and your family prefer. It can even be converted to crockpot baked beans. You can keep your menu fun, even on a budget where you don't just make every penny squeek, that sucker screams like a banshee. Also feel free to share your own favorite recipes here, or request certain ones.

Frustration...

Something we have all experienced. Lately one of my biggest has been my career path.. I am trained as an MA with various care experience that spans 13 years now. I have kept a 4.0 grade average no matter what classes I am going through, or what gets thrown at me in everyday life. Yet everywhere I turn, doors are closed because I'm not bi-lingual or no one wants to hire and Army wife due to the moving Army families do. I have always worked, since I was pretty young. It's part of my make up. And most of that work has involved helping others. It is a calling, or at least feels like it. My purpose is to help others feel better when they are hurt or sick. It's not an ego thing, it's more a driving instinct. Kind of hard to explain. Right now I'm going to concentrate on volunteering. It's still serving someone who needs help. My husband has been supportive on this, telling me it doesn't matter what I decide to do, as long as I find happiness and satisfaction doing it, even if it doesn't involve a paycheck. That has been a huge relief. In my life before our marriage, being loved was based on the size of the paycheck I could bring home. This is not the case now, but set in feelings and expectations are hard to break.

I have faith I will be led to where I belong, even if I have wobbly moments, Huge wobbly moments. Right now I feel like I'm blind and deaf and have been left alone in a corn maze, but it will pass. I'm stubborn, so I'll just keep forging on and hopefully find my way out of this maze. I just have to have more patience and not chop my way out with a machete.