Yes, it's been awhile. Like a lot of busy moms, I get behind. Sometimes I get completely lost. Thankfully I bumble my way back. The last couple months have been filled with teenage son issues, husbands away with the Army for field problems. getting my RMA (yay!), almost getting a job but not (boo!), and preparing for an upcoming move to Georgia in a few months. Now the school year and our second anniversary are coming up. Is it a wonder I'm back on Ambien? :D
The past few months have got me thinking about extended family. Parents, siblings, so on. I've been blessed with my husband's family. They are awesome and love my kiddo to bits, so they've won my heart. But I've started missing having one of my own. I have a great big brother, but he is a tow boater and has an incredible, busy life of his own. Other than that it's kind of sparse. I am grateful that I have been able to have friends that I consider my family. They have given me huge amounts of love and strength. I wouldn't be where I'm at today without some of them. But there's still a little part of me that misses not being able to call my mom and get her advice or having a dad who's always there. That part envies people who do have that.
I'm not sure where these feelings will lead. For years I haven't been bothered too much by them. But I'm thinking about a lot of things I haven't thought about for years. Maybe this is the reason God is giving me this time at home, to examine and find some closure. The older I get, the more closure becomes more important. Things are changing in me. I'm getting older, maturing. What new adventures and discoveries are to come?
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Lucky 13
On Mother's Day, my little boy turned 13. The little premature bundle that almost didn't survive now looks like he's preparing to become a Dallas Cowboys linebacker. He's overcome a lot in his short life. He struggled through sickness his first year. Dealt with dyspraxia (underdeveloped frontal lobe) which took 10 years to get a diagnosis for. Rejection, the divorce of his parents, separation from his sister. Through all this and more, he has emerged as a wonderful, loving, creative young man. He's overcoming the dyspraxia as his frontal lobe finally catches up to the rest of him. He has a new extended family that loves him dearly. He's found a love and knack for art and story writing. And has a smile that lights up a room. An all around great kid.
I've grown with him the past 13 years. When I became pregnant, I was a frightened 19 year old. I had no confidence or people skills after years of basicly living in a car, travelling state to state with a father who kept my little brother and I isolated from most other people. I married someone I had known as a child and became an instant wife and mother to a 2 year old girl. Soon after I had my little boy. It was a lot of change fast. I worked, learned to deal with and handle people in any situation. I earned my GED while working full time. I went through the loss of 2 more children. Eventually I divorced and became a single working mom taking care of Matthew. I remarried and we started from scratch. I lost 4 more kiddos in a short period of time. I earned a MA certification while taking care of the kiddo with my husband gone with the Army most of the time. It has been hard, but there has been many moments of joy. I have been lucky to grow up with the greatest kid in the world (yeah, I'm biased :D). I don't think I would change most of it. We've learned a lot and I think we're better for it. Sometimes 13 isn't such a bad luck number.
I've grown with him the past 13 years. When I became pregnant, I was a frightened 19 year old. I had no confidence or people skills after years of basicly living in a car, travelling state to state with a father who kept my little brother and I isolated from most other people. I married someone I had known as a child and became an instant wife and mother to a 2 year old girl. Soon after I had my little boy. It was a lot of change fast. I worked, learned to deal with and handle people in any situation. I earned my GED while working full time. I went through the loss of 2 more children. Eventually I divorced and became a single working mom taking care of Matthew. I remarried and we started from scratch. I lost 4 more kiddos in a short period of time. I earned a MA certification while taking care of the kiddo with my husband gone with the Army most of the time. It has been hard, but there has been many moments of joy. I have been lucky to grow up with the greatest kid in the world (yeah, I'm biased :D). I don't think I would change most of it. We've learned a lot and I think we're better for it. Sometimes 13 isn't such a bad luck number.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Celebrating Mother's Day...Twice
This Mother's Day will be very special for me. On that day, 13 years ago, my little boy Matthew was born. Every few years his birthday and Mother's Day fall together. For me, there is no greater gift I could possibly be given. He is sweet, kind, funny. And even though he was a month early, he is growing into a big and strong young man with a beautiful heart and soul. Every time I see him, every time he smiles his little crooked smile at me, then rests his head on my shoulder and says "I love you, momma", I know how blessed I am.
A friend of mine pointed out this morning that May first is another Mother's Day. It will be Baby Lost Mother's Day, for those mommies that have miscarried or lost a child soon after birth. This past January, my husband and I suffered another miscarriage. It was my 6th. My new doctor did genetic testing on us both and found out I have chromosomal translocation. My chromosomes are misordered and causes major defects in the fetus, trigering miscarriages, stillborns and major birth defects. In very rare instances, a normal healthy child like Matthew is born, making him truly my miracle child. We have options as I can carry a fetus as long as it's not my egg, but nothing will replace the 6 I lost or the pain it caused.
So this year I will celebrate twice. For the baby I have held on one day, and the 6 I have yet to hold on another. One day I will get to meet them. They aren't gone, they are just waiting. My heart and soul tell me so. Until then I will carry them in my heart, and even though I mourn them, I have joy that one day we'll be united. This Sunday, if you know someone who has lost, hug them a little tighter, be a little kinder, encourage them to talk if they need to, or just be there with them if they need to share tears. And remember the little lights we just haven;t had shine on us yet.
My big kid, and the Great Alien Snowman!
The tattoo I have on my leg in memory of my lost little ones.
A friend of mine pointed out this morning that May first is another Mother's Day. It will be Baby Lost Mother's Day, for those mommies that have miscarried or lost a child soon after birth. This past January, my husband and I suffered another miscarriage. It was my 6th. My new doctor did genetic testing on us both and found out I have chromosomal translocation. My chromosomes are misordered and causes major defects in the fetus, trigering miscarriages, stillborns and major birth defects. In very rare instances, a normal healthy child like Matthew is born, making him truly my miracle child. We have options as I can carry a fetus as long as it's not my egg, but nothing will replace the 6 I lost or the pain it caused.
So this year I will celebrate twice. For the baby I have held on one day, and the 6 I have yet to hold on another. One day I will get to meet them. They aren't gone, they are just waiting. My heart and soul tell me so. Until then I will carry them in my heart, and even though I mourn them, I have joy that one day we'll be united. This Sunday, if you know someone who has lost, hug them a little tighter, be a little kinder, encourage them to talk if they need to, or just be there with them if they need to share tears. And remember the little lights we just haven;t had shine on us yet.
My big kid, and the Great Alien Snowman!
The tattoo I have on my leg in memory of my lost little ones.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner
Well not necessarily chicken, but dinner is the topic. Many of my friends are mommies, very busy mommies like me. We are always trying to find ideas to feed our families something healthy and preferably easy. I am a cookbook, recipe testing freak of nature, so I'm going to try to post at least one new recipe a week to help give others ideas. I'll try to keep them quick, easy and as healthy as possible. I'll also try to mix them up for both meat eaters and veggie preferers. No, that's not a real word, but I like it.
Today lets talk beans. Beans are healthy, have fiber and protein, and are yummy when prepared correctly. They take a little bit of work, but not too much and are worth it. I like to make chili beans, which is different from chilli with beans. Being from Texas, to me that dish doesn't exist. Bigfoot has more credibility. Texas chilli has no beans. And that's another recipe, so off the soapbox, chick. Anyway, the night before you cook the beans, get a bag of dried pinto beans, about a pound or so. Sort the beans into a large glass or plastic bowl so you can remove any rocks, bad looking beans, tiny elves, etc. Cover the bans with water and set in the fridge overnight. The next morning, drain the beans and put them in your crockpot. Add a ham bone, ham hock, or even a smoked turkey wing if you can find them. Sometimes I leave them out and put in 93/7 ground beef that has been browned and seasoned with chili powder, cumin, garlic salt and pepper. I add the beef when beans are almost done. You can also omit meat altogether. After the beans, meat/no meat, add 1 medium chopped onion, a 1/2 tsp garlic powder, 1/2 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp black pepper. Seasoning is to taste, and at end of cooking you should taste and add according to your own preference. Cover with enough cold water to cover, place on lid and set to low. Time varies accoring to crockpot, but usually around 6 or so hours. Once done, serve with rice, cornbread, alone and with favorite condiments.
This recipe can be adjusted to however you and your family prefer. It can even be converted to crockpot baked beans. You can keep your menu fun, even on a budget where you don't just make every penny squeek, that sucker screams like a banshee. Also feel free to share your own favorite recipes here, or request certain ones.
Today lets talk beans. Beans are healthy, have fiber and protein, and are yummy when prepared correctly. They take a little bit of work, but not too much and are worth it. I like to make chili beans, which is different from chilli with beans. Being from Texas, to me that dish doesn't exist. Bigfoot has more credibility. Texas chilli has no beans. And that's another recipe, so off the soapbox, chick. Anyway, the night before you cook the beans, get a bag of dried pinto beans, about a pound or so. Sort the beans into a large glass or plastic bowl so you can remove any rocks, bad looking beans, tiny elves, etc. Cover the bans with water and set in the fridge overnight. The next morning, drain the beans and put them in your crockpot. Add a ham bone, ham hock, or even a smoked turkey wing if you can find them. Sometimes I leave them out and put in 93/7 ground beef that has been browned and seasoned with chili powder, cumin, garlic salt and pepper. I add the beef when beans are almost done. You can also omit meat altogether. After the beans, meat/no meat, add 1 medium chopped onion, a 1/2 tsp garlic powder, 1/2 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp black pepper. Seasoning is to taste, and at end of cooking you should taste and add according to your own preference. Cover with enough cold water to cover, place on lid and set to low. Time varies accoring to crockpot, but usually around 6 or so hours. Once done, serve with rice, cornbread, alone and with favorite condiments.
This recipe can be adjusted to however you and your family prefer. It can even be converted to crockpot baked beans. You can keep your menu fun, even on a budget where you don't just make every penny squeek, that sucker screams like a banshee. Also feel free to share your own favorite recipes here, or request certain ones.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Frustration...
Something we have all experienced. Lately one of my biggest has been my career path.. I am trained as an MA with various care experience that spans 13 years now. I have kept a 4.0 grade average no matter what classes I am going through, or what gets thrown at me in everyday life. Yet everywhere I turn, doors are closed because I'm not bi-lingual or no one wants to hire and Army wife due to the moving Army families do. I have always worked, since I was pretty young. It's part of my make up. And most of that work has involved helping others. It is a calling, or at least feels like it. My purpose is to help others feel better when they are hurt or sick. It's not an ego thing, it's more a driving instinct. Kind of hard to explain. Right now I'm going to concentrate on volunteering. It's still serving someone who needs help. My husband has been supportive on this, telling me it doesn't matter what I decide to do, as long as I find happiness and satisfaction doing it, even if it doesn't involve a paycheck. That has been a huge relief. In my life before our marriage, being loved was based on the size of the paycheck I could bring home. This is not the case now, but set in feelings and expectations are hard to break.
I have faith I will be led to where I belong, even if I have wobbly moments, Huge wobbly moments. Right now I feel like I'm blind and deaf and have been left alone in a corn maze, but it will pass. I'm stubborn, so I'll just keep forging on and hopefully find my way out of this maze. I just have to have more patience and not chop my way out with a machete.
I have faith I will be led to where I belong, even if I have wobbly moments, Huge wobbly moments. Right now I feel like I'm blind and deaf and have been left alone in a corn maze, but it will pass. I'm stubborn, so I'll just keep forging on and hopefully find my way out of this maze. I just have to have more patience and not chop my way out with a machete.
What do you do when too lazy to keep a diary? You blog!
Yep, that's right. Blogging. I finally gave in and did it myself. Mostly because some good friends are doing it and it seems to be a help to them. I figured maybe it would be a help to me, too. Instead of the solitary perusing of the thoughts and ideas I always seem to be taking off the bookshelves and file cabinets that keep my mind tidy...sort of...I could put them here and see if it helps me put them into motion, permanently file them in the mind archives or help some other mommy/wife/sister/daughter/friend. If you're a guy that's reading this, just put all those things in the male versions of the descriptions. There will probably be a lot of different subjects since there is always a huge variety of things going on in my life, both good and bad. Hopefully something for everyone. And if it's odd, well, you've probably had a conversation with me. It shouldn't be a surprise....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)